There was a point in my life, not terribly long ago, when I thought that I was invincible. Almost everything that I desired was attainable through my own personal efforts, money, performance, beauty, etc. I saw neither the full need for self-discipline nor the true definition of self-respect. I practiced neither and I don't really know if I listened when they were taught to me. I did everything on my own and for myself.
Well I have now reached a point in my life where the standard of my desires rest in much higher places. I crave things like being able to handle an angry person with more grace than I did the last encounter. I crave being able to sit in my dorm room with hours worth of homework and quiet time and being able to accomplish it all with time to spare. I have desires to be a kind, encouraging, understanding and enthusiastic wife that will always provide her husband with comfort and support filled with God's grace and beauty. I crave being able to KNOW exactly what God wants me to do while I'm in Africa so that I can be more comfortable explaining my trip when people ask. I crave being able to love myself and love others the way the Lord truly intended: The way that He loves us every day. I want every person, both here AND in third world countries, to know that they are worth my time and investment each and every single day, because when I am willing to listen, the Lord tells me the same thing each moment. I crave being able to exercise on a regular basis and maintain a healthy diet so that I can glorify the Lord with EVERYthing I do... including what is done for myself.
I really believe that these are all GOOD and HEALTHY desires that the Lord has put on my heart, but that is just the thing. HE has put them on my heart. They are not petty materials or pleasures of this world that I have set out to possess. These are all deep longings I cannot wait to fulfill that God has placed on this sensitive, compassionate, joyful, womanly heart of His. If He placed them there then the only way they can be fulfilled is if I search for Him and He blesses me with the desires of my heart in return!
On a side note, my boyfriend is participating in the Corps of Cadets while studying at Virginia Tech right now and all of the stories and rules he tells me about his freshman year so far just make me cringe because he has to deal with SO. MUCH. STRUCTURE. You have to do everything a certain way and if it's wrong then you have to walk in circles or something with a gun rested on your shoulder for hours and you can't talk to your buddies while your walking or even look around. Talk about miserable. I try to tell him pretty often how impressed I am with him, but my compliments and support are not and have never been the reason he keeps pushing through. He shows perseverance, discipline, and self-control because he, too, feels a calling and he knows that no matter what, he is willing to do whatever it takes, be taught whatever he needs, and learn from as many mistakes as he makes until he reaches that moment when he discovers if he is assigned pilot.
It says everywhere in Proverbs that the road to wisdom and discernment first starts with fear of the Lord. I think that once you truly fear the Lord and realize the sovereignty of His will, that same dedicated, willing, teachable and perseverant heart that my boyfriend has about the Navy will be given to you in all areas of your life. With those characteristics, I believe that you are able to make stronger choices, be trusted more, have a more peaceful heart, but most importantly, you can GROW. Like I mean, grow. Grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, in health, everything. We thrive when we surrender to Him because we are allowing Him to resume ownership of our hearts and our lives again. How can we not be a brighter light for the Lord with Him supplying our life compared to when we try and do it ourselves.. HIS light and creativity and strength and eye for beauty and passion are what saturate and created all the earth, not our own.
The Lord has really been trying to teach me to just watch and learn from Him in every day moments to see how He would like for me to handle each situation. Doing that has given me more strength to tackle menial tasks, like cleaning my room, and courage to face the big ones, like rebuilding bridges in broken relationships, because I am fully confident that I am trusting in the guidance of the perfect Leader. This whole blog to say, I have been really struggling with the anxiety of not feeling prepared for Africa this summer. I do not feel spiritually or educationally or emotionally equipped to go and give my whole summer to the people and women in Zimbabwe. I am but a mere mortal, but the beauty of my story is how I was intricately and perfectly crafted by the hands of the Lord and creator of all the earth. I look and marvel at His beautiful creation in nature and in other people all the time and forget how much He marvels at me. He is faithful and as I continue to listen more and more to Him, He has been "leading me by still waters" and truly "restoring my soul" with His wisdom and comfort. He has given me an AMAZING opportunity to hear a different missionary come speak on different aspects of missions each Sunday night for 3 hours this semester, He has been showing me outlet by outlet of was to save money for the trip, and He has surrounded me with the most captivating and supportive people I could have ever hoped for in my life to encourage me every step of the way leading up to my trip.
As my beautiful, dear friend named Allye reminded me today:
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:30-34 (The Message)
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